I have been getting up at 4 am for years now. It was a mindset I had to be in when I was going to college and needed to get my homework done before I went to work for the day.
But now, I’m questioning it.
Yesterday I came home from work early because I was suddenly sick at my stomach and I felt “off”. I was dizzy, and the muscles in my chest hurt. I had come home and I laid like broccoli on the couch for the rest of the day.
This morning, my coffee is questionable. I know this is stress. Or grief because I am really missing my dad this last few days. April 12th was exactly 8 months since he’s been gone. 8 months. And all of the things that have come up, that I have questioned, he would have had an answer.
But he’s not here.
I question everything lately. And I am without answer. Maybe I am not suppose to have an answer or maybe I am not ready to hear the answer. Either way, I’m unsettled with many things and I’m annoyed.
This pattern needs to be broken. I have been locked into this weird transition of life and I can’t find the key.
I’ve graduated, why am I still getting up so early? It’s exhausting. My father has passed away, why do I still seek answers from him? He’s never coming back.
I need to slow it down. Why do I allow little things I cannot control, control me? Control my emotions? My behavior?
I need to seek life again and breathe it in. Focus, and take control.
The early bird does not get the worm. The early bird simply gets a first glance of the day. A bird’s eye view, no doubt.
The worms are still sleeping.