The holiday season is upon us far too quickly than I want to admit. This season is going to be particularly rough for all of us with dad gone and I am already feeling the sting of his absence.
Last night, my brother invited all of us to his home for an early Halloween get together. We had dinner, then the start of a new tradition, Hot Wheel races. My brother had the original Hot Wheel’s track and a hand made trophy for the winner. We all brought our own Hot Wheels cars, specially selected for this event. It was like re-living our childhood. Some of us were on the floor with cell phone cameras in hand, filming and taking pictures. We were suppose to have the races over 4th of July holiday but dad had fallen ill, and was admitted to the hospital. Little did we know, that would be the last holiday we would have spent with him.
Each of us usually take part in sharing our homes with a particular holiday, and this year we decided to switch it up. Despite having a good time at my brother’s home, I found myself overly irritated later that evening in trying to come up with a different tradition my husband and I could begin.
After we came home, I took a hot shower and went to bed. I woke up around 11pm, with my mind in high gear, tossing and turning. I was annoyed, in a pool of sweat and could not get comfortable. I prayed, then started to cry, with random thoughts drifting in and out of my mind. At some point, I finally fell asleep.
My being irritated had carried over to this Sunday morning. I could not understand why I was so grumpy. It should not be this difficult. At Thanksgiving we would usually play Bingo, and Christmas would be just a gathering, maybe a story or quick game. But this year felt different and I had a terrible anxiety about it. We needed to step it up a notch or not do it at all. Or do we?
The food is always difficult because of my food allergies. I feel like a burden on everyone when it comes to figuring out a menu I can eat. Honestly, I’d soon not eat. There is no point. I have to ask continuous questions…did you use eggs or dairy, was this packaged spice mix or individual spices? What kind of spices? Does this have grains and what kind? I can only eat corn, rice and quinoa. Absolutely ridiculous. I usually eat prior to a gathering so I can claim not hungry. And I feel guilty. I don’t want anyone in my family going out of their way just so I can eat. My sister is already on the hunt for recipes I can eat. God love her, she always has a we-can-do-this attitude. I barely eat a substantial portion anyway so I see it as, why the fuss? And let’s face it, the way I eat isn’t cheap.
As the holidays approach us, I hope I can dig myself out of this funk. But with dad gone, I better start digging now.