What brings you peace? Think about what you are doing this very moment. Whether you are drinking a cup of tea, listening to music, or sitting on your deck watching the sunset. Do you feel centered?
I ask these questions because today when I was commuting to work, my thoughts overwhelmed me with my daily routine. It was a foggy morning and the fog appeared to set the tone of my mood. I couldn’t make sense of life or my purpose. I cried. Some of this may be coming from the loss of my dad this past August, and how hard it is right now for my mom. I think about my life and what would happen if I lost my husband or if I was only given a short time to live. Would I feel satisfied? Have regrets? Would I feel I have lived? I mean, truly lived?
I’ve had some ideas of how I need to center myself. Some have been through accomplishments. But I thought to myself as the dense fog was slowly clearing, how have I lived?
I’ve experienced the most wonderful family vacations, holidays, and many moments of laughter, from the time I was young to today, in my marriage. My kids graduated, are working and turned into respectable adults. I went to graduate school, I landed a wonderful job with caring, talented people. I pray and I’m thankful and grateful. So what is the problem here, why am I crying on the way to work trying to organize my life to be better? It will only be as good as I allow it to. I can only live if I allow myself to live. Then I realized, out of all these years I’ve whirled through life, bouncing around on ups and downs, focusing on wants and needs rather than joy and love. I’ve learned what may seem inconvenient to me, could be someone else’s lifeline.
Later in the day while at work, I walked outside in search of a staff person and came across several deer resting. Normally I would not have noticed. But what struck me as being odd, is I walked right up to these deer and snapped a picture. I thought, oh my gosh, my dad would have loved this.
Then suddenly it dawned on me, I felt centered. This is exactly what I need. I need to quit grasping for the wants, could haves and why nots and quit asking myself have I lived? The answer is right in front me! I am living! I find joy in holding onto the small things I effortlessly pass up every, waking moment of the day. So why do I continue to pass up the very moments that provide me with joy? Serenity is what I crave. The little things are what keeps me grounded and centered; small conversations, an act of kindness, the simple beauty of my surroundings. It’s not difficult to find.
I am here, I am living.